fazerdaze

11th August 2007 – It’s August and I’m single again L
The timing couldn't have been worse! I feel like shit because of having to move .. loosing my home, my job and everything that's familiar to me, and I go and loose my boyfriend as well I thought he cared .. I feel such a fool.

All I want is someone who will love and respect me. Why is that so difficult? What's wrong with me?

12th August 2007 – I’m struggling ...
I know it's only been two weeks, but I can't get him out of my thoughts ...

15th August 2007 – OMG I’ve got a job interview!
For the first time in over 20 years I've got to attend an interview for a job!
Both of my current jobs I just kind of fell into - very little effort required (coz they were desperate! lol)

Now I have a job interview, in the middle of nowhere! (Well, actually it's St Neots, but that is the middle of nowhere to me!! LOL )
I'm nervous as hell already and it isn't for another three weeks yet!!

19th August 2007 - L
I don't know if you'll ever really appreciate how deeply I loved you ...

6th October 2007 – What price a dream?
October 1st, the owners of a cottage I was about to buy pulled out of the deal.
I was grief stricken when I got the news. My pretty little cottage I was looking forward to living in for the rest of my life was gone.

It's now the other end of the same week. I've been house viewing again, and found a wonderful house. It has some very redeeming features ~ nicely decorated, spacious, on the edge of a small town. 3 bedrooms. No garage, but it does have a nice big shed.
Part of me thinks 'Grab it before it gets away!' I wont have to do anything to it. Low maintenance garden. It has central heating and mains everything. But the other part of me says 'It's not what I wanted'. I intended to 'downsize', to find a little home that I can retreat to. A place with character and history. Not a bland box the same as the rest of the street. And I don't want to end up rattling round in a great big house on my own! Paying council tax on, and heating a 3 bedroom house with only me in it! A little place away from everything would suit me so much better.

Jenny loved the house. It would be better for her to be in a town, even a small town. And it was very nice. But it doesn't fit my dream.
If I go for it rather than wait and see what else comes along, and risk the possibility of finding nothing, I will loose my dream, but we will at least have a home to move to. It saddens me to think that if I go for the house, I am probably loosing my dream forever. I'll never be able to afford to move again. This is a one-off chance. But what price a dream?


2nd November 2007 – To go or not to go? .. That is the question...
November has dawned, Halloween is over and it's time to look to the month ahead.
Not much I can do about the house move, that's pretty much ticking along on it's own now.
I have the Visordown Ball to go to on the 17th ............. just got to decide what to wear!
The Erotica show is the weekend after, and I can't decide whether to go or not ... Last year I had a ticket, then didn't go. This year I could go, but having no-one to share it with makes going seem a little 'pointless'

1st January 2008 – Happy New Year!
2007 was not one of my best ...

But I spent New Years Eve with friends. Didn't drink because of the drive home, but still had a fun evening and started the year in good company and with a smile on my face.
Here's hoping it's a good omen, and the rest of the year will follow suit

13th January 2008 – Just thoughts ...
Someone wrote about me recently .. "I admire and wish I was more like people like Fazerdaze, she is an amazing person and an amazing take on life." I don't think I'm amazing. A little 'unusual' perhaps, but certainly not amazing!
What I do have it seems, and I don't know why, and I can't explain it; but I have a quite extraordinary ability to believe in people.
They can tell me their troubles and I can find positives in what they are describing and expand their perception and understanding of the situation. I am able to make people feel at ease with themselves, explain things in ways they can understand and relate to, and make whatever is troubling them seem easier to bear.
I read somewhere once that my star sign has a 'childlike quality' and I felt at the time that this was unjust. I am far too 'sensible' and have always been the rock that others cling to in times of distress. But now I think I see what was meant .. my ability to 'believe' is not dissimilar to a child's ability to believe .. in fairy stories, and in magic. I believe in people's ability to overcome adversity, to succeed, to find happiness .. and love. Even though a part of me knows those things will never be mine, I still feel good about helping others to achieve.
No, I'm certainly not amazing ... just a little 'weird'

8th May 2008 – Just a whinge.
Just opened my P60 and discovered I earned £15,194.70 last year ... It's no wonder I'm always flippin broke! ... Now I wish I'd paid more attention in school! My grandmother always told me 'Get a job in a bank - you can't go wrong with a nice safe job in a bank!' lol
I was young and couldn't see the wisdom in her thinking , so I've drifted through life, doing ordinary jobs that involve doing what I do best, which is looking out for others. Sometimes I wish I had some sort of a skill, or in depth knowledge about something that I could relate to a well paid job, but my life just didn't take me in that direction. I'll never have a job that will make me rich, but I'm happy enough

6th October 2009 – Two years on.
On the 6th of October 2007 I felt empty and directionless. I'd lost the man I loved and the cottage I wanted. My family was never going to be the same again after our home was sold, and I felt utterly helpless. I felt like I'd lost everything that was important to me, and there was nothing I could do to change it. I had no idea when I wrote the entry that day that one year later I would be moving in to that same cottage that I'd lost. Friends said I must have been fated to get it, and it did feel 'right' for me. Unfortunately my family didn't love it the way I did, and went their own ways ... but that is as it should be.
Another year further down the line and today is the first day of my second year here. It's been tough, but I've survived so far. I miss my kids, and I miss being a couple, and feeling part of someone's life ... I guess loneliness is the one battle I can't win on my own.