How To Make Me Want To Murder You Over The Telephone
by, 23-06-11 at 12:54 (588 Views)
Taking calls from members of The Public all day long has its rewards. When you help some nice old lady you can get a genuine warm fluffy feeling inside.
When that little old lady is screeching at you unintelligibly, however, things arenít quite so rosy.
So here I will give you a few tips that you can try when you have to call up a company so that they are less likely to want to grab you by the eyelids, swing you around and smash your stupid face into the edge of a table.
Have A Pen & Paper Ready
You would be amazed. If you call up somewhere in order to get a name/number etc, donít act all fucking surprised when the person youíve called gives you the info for you to write down! Itís kind-of the whole reason you called them in the first place?
Inevitably the pen wonít work when they give you the number anyway, but at least by having a non-working pen youíve made some fucking effort. And not made me want to slap the eyebrows off your face.
Keying The Number Into Your Phone
Yes, itís fine to do this, although itís still a slow and retarded way, when you could simply write the fucking thing down, or even type it into your laptop as you speak on the phone.
No, what Iím talking about here is fucktards who will type the number into THE SAME phone that they are calling you from!
BEEP BOOP BEEP BLEEEEEP! Fuck you! Straight into my bastard ear because Iím wearing a headset and canít escape it! You rude, inconsiderate twat!
This is a huge category, and 99% of The Public fit snugly (smugly?) into it.
Database systems only work in certain ways. If you want stupid fucking cross-referenced information, want us to find an address by the colour of their front door, or are trying to search for a Legal Executive who was called Dave something in London, then donít be surprised if you become telepathically aware of a rage-filled Ďcuddly wuddly beary beary booí coming to the fore of your mind. A bit like Batfinks Sonic Bleep, but just aimed at you, for being a cuddly wuddly beary beary boo.
ďI Want To Speak To A Manager!Ē
Certainly. Theyíll think youíre a wanker as well, and tell you exactly the same thing Iíve just been trying to tell you.
Bonus points if you call me up and then tell me you want to speak to someone older!? Especially when you havenít even asked me how old my 34 year old ass is!? WTF!?
This Is Your Life
Donít blather. I donít care about your entire life history, and how this all stemmed from your neighbour buying a blue and green budgie called Pete who had one leg shorter than the other because its previous owner, Stanley from Cheshire, who used to live in Eastleigh but moved because his Dadís ex-wife bought a brown collie called Bella who was already 6 and rescued from a farm inÖ
Get to the point. Iím at work, and have to meet call length targets. Iím not here to chat to Nut-Nuts on a casual basis. Nnnghhhh!!!
Much as I love hearing how BBC1 and ITV3 are breaking into your house, stealing all the buttons off your coat, taking your computer, and solidifying the Satanic conspiracy of the Legal Aid system, Iíll instantly know youíre mental.
Please save everyone the time and effort here, and just do a quick check before you call anyone. It could be something as simple as asking yourself ďAm I mental?Ē. If you canít answer that with a definite ďNoĒ, then perhaps you should keep your conspiracy theories or dreams of marrying your sons dog to yourself?
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