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Spitfire

He's seeing other women

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My step dad that is.

My mum passed away a year ago in february. I always had a feeling there wasn't much of a sex life after my mum took up spiritualism. I've now found out that she told him when she was alive that he was free to sow his wild oats elsewhere but never to bring it home.

Two of my brothers and one of my sisters still live at home and have been aware of him meeting up with ladies. The knew long before my sister did. She had her suspicions but never confirmed until she confronted him about it. She went postal! Said she was never to set foot in our home. The sister came round recently and told me and my other sister. I don't know why but I burst into tears, I just wasn't expecting it.....so soon...............Or is it too soon? I've come round to the idea now but I'm not sure I wanna meet said lady. I understand he has urges like all men (some women) do.

I found out a couple of months ago now and we're possibly going away to meet him this weekend as he wants curtains and furnishings made up for his new boat resoration project. Tbh, Ive not spoken to him since finding out. I don't if he knows I know.

I just find it difficult as he's all I've got left as far as parents go. My real dad e-mails me occationally but he has no interest in me or the girls. With my mum gone it just feels like it's all falling apart somehow. Oh I don't know.

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  1. The Martian's Avatar
    My StepDad also found a new ladyfriend less than 18 months after my Mother passed away - they were married 26 years and for me it seemed soon after. I talked to him about it and he said in some ways it felt like he had lost my Mum yesterday but in other ways felt he had been alone a long time.
    I appreciate that being with someone so long its then very difficult on your own - I dont want or need to even think about physical needs but know he does need companionship and will never forget or try to replace my Mother.
    After time to get used to the thought, I think its good that he will not be alone and miserable forever.
  2. Spitfire's Avatar
    I agree, I really don't like the thought of him being alone for the rest of his life and want him to be happy. He met my mum when he was 22 and my mum was 30, were together 34 years.

    I know he won't want to talk about it as he's not that kind of bloke. He's very very sociable but not when it comes to affairs of the heart.
  3. The Martian's Avatar
    I would tell him that I knew so it didnt cause unspoken issues that could spiral and lead to what you probably fear (even if not consciously) losing your relationship with him.
    Perhaps take the companionship angle if you want / need to talk to him about it but think he wont want to discuss it / you arent comfotable with it, having a conversation based upon him finding friendship / companionship and leaving aside the relationship side could make it easier to talk to him for both of you?
    If you're not comfortable meeting his new lady, tell him so - Im sure the honesty of "its not personal as I dont know her (obviously) but its too soon for me to be comfortable with" would be mich better than avoidance or awkward meetings which may cause unnecessary bad feeling.

    The main thing to remember though is that he isnt doing anything to (intentionally) hurt you or your siblings and it will get easier to think of him continuing his life without it coming between you as a family and communication will usually prevent resentment
  4. suzuki-boy's Avatar
    Ask yourself what he would think if (God forbid) you lost your fella and started seeing someone else you really liked a year or so later. If the answer is (as I suspect) that he'd be happy for you and see it as a positive step towards healing the hurt then perhaps you could consider the same for him?

    We don't plan life, we just try to do the best we can.
  5. irie's Avatar
    Everything is not "falling to pieces", it's just that over time things pass by, and everything changes.

    I think that you need to talk with your Dad and get everything out in the open. This way you can move forwards otherwise you'll always be walking around each other trying to avoid the issue and this will only continue to mess up your relationship.

    Jx
  6. J40ADF's Avatar
    Quite a few years ago my Dad had an affair with a woman over 20yrs his younger.
    We were all livid with him.
    Mum and Dad worked it out, kind of, or at least put a front on.
    Their relationship became more Brother and Sister more than Husband and Wife (my Dads words)
    A few years after my Mum was diagnosed with a nasty cancer and passed away after a short battle. They had been married over 40 years.
    Within 18 months the other woman was on the scene again. Not many people from his church (he's a regular church goer) know that he'd had an affair with her before and were pleased that he had found happiness once more. I think that they would be less than please if they knew the history, these are the prople who provided a much needed emotional crutch in his time of need.

    There is not alot I can say or do, I'm not happy about it given the history but he IS happy and that's whats important to me. He councells my opinion often and I am honest in a diplomatic way so he is aware of my feelings.


    We can get angry, we can disagree but at the end of the day it's their life and we can't dictate the way they live. We can only and should only be there for them when they need us.

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