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The Kennel Kernel

places where you don't want to hear common phrases..

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Those of a nervous disposition should leave now. HB.

Is it safe? OK, we'll start now.

"Right, might as well use all the tools in the box then." Not so bad is it? Rather suggests determination, a broad approach, decent range of equipment-quite encouraging frankly. Sort of thing you'd hope from yer plumber when your stopcock has well & truly seized or that marvellous metal specialist your mate sent you to when you snapped off the exhaust studs. Perhaps even those firemen when dealing with kittenz up your tree. Always a pleasure watching a specialist at work.

But when your dentist utters it, that all goes out of the window.

A while before, when I made the appointment, his lovely receptionist looked at my records & gave that wide smile she must do for all the nervous children, esp the 44 year one shivering in front of her. "Extractions aren't anything like they used to be. Really-it's so straight forward these days. I suggest you have it done in the afternoon." I didn't ask why; I just said yes & legged it.

She lied like a flatfish. An yernormous whopper of a melton mowbray.

Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride, all be over soon & you can go home to JESUS FUCK, WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND? Sod concentrating on the postcard I bought for his small collection mounted on the ceiling above the chair. I'm eyes shut. No they didn't look like steel pliers-I'm sure I've just imagained that.

"Ah, it's rocking. Good." Changes angle of attack. Pressure & force, lots of it even through the anaesthetic. Crack noise. "Good, that's some of it & that post. Short isn't it?" More pressure.

Snap. "Hmm". Sound of a drawer opening & something being unwrapped. Fingers under the jaw, incoming..

Snap. "Hmmmm."

Draw, wrap & snap.

"OK, we'll go for a different approach." This is the only time I've welcomed the drill. 'Ah sussed it' I thought. He can't a good enough grip up the top, so he's going to cut it into pieces like I did with that bastard tree root in the back garden.' Then I remembered that actually that didn't work & we ended up digging it out with a pickaxe. Then I thought about it somemore. My gums were like the soil. And what the fuck was he going to lever his dental pickaxe against??

He swaps the dremel back for the narrow nosed pliers.

Snap. More dremel. He's not saying anything now. back to the pliers. "Narrow bore" he says to his nurse. I don't want to know. Snap. I'm now thinking shit, what he's broken it into a million pieces-he's got to get every bit out. And if there's just the root left, he's either going to turn my mouth into an open cast mine, or it's slice & dice down the gums, or oh no. An up & under through the jaw. Oh god. I'll be good, I'll give everyone a huge hug when I get back, I won't have a drink. Just get me out OK. I'll even take the pain but let it finish quickly & here.

Then he opens the drawer again & issues his 'last tool' proclamation. Yes, he did say 'every' tool' but that means he's now got to the final option. My last chance & by this stage I don't care if it's an equine cold chisel. Sustained bout of strong arm stuff & then the stickly crack sound of deep things unsticking. "There it is," he says with some satisfaction. 'OK, it's all out-nothing left. Bite on this. Erm, we did slightly catch your outside gum a bit. We could pop a stitch in it if you like.' Removes pad from my mouth & looks at it. "OTOH you're not much a bleeder & frankly these things do tend to heal faster & better left alone. Up to you-here take these." He gives me something wrapped up in a tissue, looks towards the nurse whose doing something in the corner & leans forward. "They're very, very good-like lil-lets for your mouth. Still don't think you'll be needing them though. Did you want a stitch?" Fuck no you mad bastard-just let me out the door.

Yes I did give everyone at home hugs & treats. But I did also open a bottle of wine, mostly because I had a bad feeling about this before I went in (in fact I paid the bill before treatment) & had a little chat with my late Dad outside the door. And it's his Birthday. No it didn't go too smooth, but something got that bastard tooth out at the end.

In other news I now know how I did my back in-trying to wrench the arms off that bloody dental chair.

When I next go on holiday I'm going to do something unusal & take a certain postcard with me. It will be sent to the dental practice, but I'm going to specifically address it to that receptionist. This is what I'll be posting to her:

Happy Birthday Cliff & cheers.

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Updated 19-08-13 at 18:50 by Editor



  1. Yambo's Avatar
    I've never had a tooth extracted and whilst I'm not worried about going to the dentist (I just don't go normally) I'll have second thoughts if an extraction seems necessary now. Cheers Ed.

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