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The Kennel Kernel

Traditional Festive Activities for Dogs 2013 DRAFT

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this is the very 1st draft as it was rapidly laid down. See how many errors you can spot yourselves. The final is also on this blog & as ever there are some minor content variations.

Traditional Festive Activities for Bassets

In previous years our forefather the late Professor Wellington has written comprehensively of matters of the Christmas Holidays, which were never meant to be read by humans. We, the younger gen of Moose, Buzz & Lucy, would like to be straightforward about the Basset Christmas Manifesto & this should he considered a pull out section to be read over your cornflakes & given to all visitors. Especially Gran. Please note prices are to be considered the bare minimum.

Christmas Eve: We know what you all get up to. The price for not raiding the fridge is as follows: Small piece of cod from the chippy & large portion of chips. When the teenagers eventually roll back in we will be needing a medium cheeseburger, chicken zinger stick & a kebab with extra garlic sauce for our silence. Father Christmas will require a plate with 4 pork pies on it if he is to actually get one of them.

Christmas Day: fry up-nothing else will do, unless it’s a mixed grill. This ensures we don’t do the trifle later. Probably. We would like to participate with the prezzies, so a doggy stocking EACH will keep us from investigating yours, unless it smells interesting. We do of course reserve the right to unwrap anything at nose height. We could be tempted not to do the ‘bright eyes’ thing over lunch if we have our own. Turkey, the cremated bacon & lashings of gravy. Feed us sprouts at your own risk-you know what happens to dad (we think this is actually due to the surfeit of port) & Gran. Blanket flapping like a flag in a force 10. A sossie every 15 mins will go some way for us accepting the blame for this, but one hint of a rolled up magazine will result in the complete disappearance of the cheesecake & indeed the cheese. All of it.

Boxing Day: No we are not joining you for a 10 trillion mile hike. Somebody needs to guard the leftovers & keep puss away from the salmon. The remains of that ridiculous 3 foot pizza from Christmas Eve will do for starters. Leave all electronic devices on & the telly-we’ll be watching Best Of Cat Failz 2013 & voting. Ensure fire is stoked to maximum & living door remains open & we’ll warm your sofa, chairs, beanbags & onesies up for you. You might not get them back, but they will be toastie. Ah, that reminds me. Ye olde Breville Sani maker under the sink-let’s have that out for your return because that’s the only way you’ll get your sofa back. Ham & cheese please.

The Interlude: Seems to include such things as the day out, the sales & the ‘what do we do with the kids now?’ None of this is suitable for hounds, unless it means you leave the top of the dressing up clothes trunk open. What is totally appropriate is the 600 yard waddle to the Pub & if you think a bit further than your own nose, you might see that such superb magnificence as ourselves (& the ear trick) will get your drinks bought for you. Cost a bargain at half a pint of mild in the bowl & all the pork scratchings we can eat. Have the car sent round to pick us up.

The Lull: Yes, this is that period when the tinies have played with all their prezzies, made them do things the designers never intended & things are getting a teensy bit fractious. This is exactly the point at which Dad remembers about a couple of ‘essential’ jobs he has to do around the house. Besides, he’s itching to play with his new drill etc. Under no circumstances join those knowing relatives who have legged it-even if it to the Dog & Duck. You will forfeiting a ringside seat at the best Laurel & Hardy routine of all time. We all know it’s going to go horribly wrong-it’s just a matter of the scale of it. Seeing as the tinies might still be in the house & Gran is lurking the usual vocabulary undergoes some measure of restriction. Here is the translation:


'hmm': anticipated difficulty
'aah': solution conceived
'uhoh': solution failed
'oh no': solution cascades a myriad of further unanticipated difficulties
'oh hell no': some of which might actually spell disaster...
‘gahhowwl’ personal injury due to PlanB-get the hammer out
‘sweetie you know the xyz?’: because your fav xyz is now in a million pieces
‘ha-proper job’: only because he’s managed to hide the proper bodge
‘runaway, runaway’: comply instantly & watch him being done later with his own hammer
‘I think it needs more power’: inevitable precursor to ‘runaway’
‘minor modification required’: it ain’t minor & always leads to ‘more power’

Shortly after a white van will arrive. No it isn’t men with a straightjacket to take dad to the loonybin, much to your mum’s disappointment. On the side is written: ‘we fix what your husband mended’…at this point we lower the curtain over the show as what happens next with the hammer is unsuitable for a family publication. Although what goes on during the Panto these days is stretching it a bit.

Pantomime day: Are we starring in it? I thought not. Rather than leave us in Gulag with stormtrooper Gran, why not take the old girl out to enjoy the occasion with the grandsmalls & be sure for a few port & lemons during the interval. Meantime, for the minor consideration of a rotisserie chicken (deboned-most important that) each we will keep the homestead warm & welcoming. On their return the tinies will ask what it was the Widow Twanky meant when she said ‘ahem’ to Friar Tuck & Gran might well drop the remains of the trifle, which was what we were hoping for all along. It’s behind you-oh no it isn’t…

'gahfuckit': personal injury due to plan B-get the hammer out

New Years Eve:
They stay up late & so do you-result. There’s all manner of goodies to have it away with whilst they do silly things. It’s worth the indignity of being co-opted into charades with the dressing up box as you just need to pull the big eyed ‘going to cry’ expression & it’s a hot sossie & a cuddle for you. The showstopper as far as you are concerned is the bit when you hear the bongs & they all try to stand up & link hands & sing a song. This is your cue to tidy up all the plates & for once, once in the year, they won’t mind because they’ll be having a bit of a blub, so you get a cuddle for pulling the heist. Very odd, but there it is. Snooze for a bit until the teenagers stagger in & it’s the last kebab of the year for you. No matter because..

New Years Day:
Woe, woe & thrice woe, because this is the 1st day of their NY’s diet & health kick. Not for you though-there’s quite a lot of ‘unhealthy’ but very tasty stuff still in the fridge. What kind doggie would not wish to assist their owners with their desire to be thinner? What faithful friends, putting their own needs behind their masters, eh? Form a circle around the fridge door & wait patiently. This is of course doomed if you yourself have been adding a little girth to your handsome frame-so deep breath in & hold it, otherwise it’ll be you getting cabbage in your dog bowl. How soon they forget about what greens do to a dog-the Earl of Oxford thought a 7 year round trip would be enough for Queen Elizabeth I to have forgotten his own indiscretion when presented at Court, but it wasn’t..

So we wish you a wonderful festivities with a little laugh, little blub, little bit of what you fancy, little bit of giving, little bit of receiving & frankly my deres, you might as well to make that January diet worth it. And perhaps also consider the Ghosts of Hounds Past by adopting the Portuguese tradition during their ‘Consoda’ of laying a place for absent friends so we remember & honour them. Happy Christmas to all Bassets, old, new & gone ahead & a wonderful New Year to you all. Love, Peace & Bonios. Moosey, Fuzzy Buzz & WooWoo xx

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Updated 22-11-13 at 10:35 by Editor