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Truths Universally Acknowledged.

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“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”
Oh shut up Austen, you seventeenth century, romantically-obsessed bint.

“In want of a wife?” In want of a flash car, pool table and harem of wenches.

I have therefore compiled Chapman’s list of Truths Universally Acknowledged.

The Pot of Gold at the end of the Rainbow.
A fanciful statement if ever I heard one. Precipitation and sunlight create gold do they? If only Northern Rock knew.
In actual fact if you were to find the fabled end of the rainbow (which would be a voyage into madness itself), the most you would stumble into would be a warm muddy puddle.

Where there’s Muck, there’s Brass.
Too bloody true, 1800 gold pieces to fit a bathroom suite!?! I’m in the wrong trade.
There’s been a total skills shift altogether of late. It seems the skills boggart snook in one night when we were all asleep, blessed us all with the skills of the pen and pc, and stole all the dirty worker bees.
In ten years time we’ll all have MySpaces and no-one to build a wall.
My plumber drives a Mercedes van, wears a Breitling and will only drink Twinings,
I wonder when OxBridge will cotton on to this and develop an Academy of Plumbing and Joinery.

Straight from the Horse’s Mouth.
Ever met a horse you could trust? They’re all very convincing with cute whinnying and much ruffling of mane, but get too close and it’ll have your bloody fingers off. Fact.
Even Steptoe’s horse (Hercules) dropped dead when it was most needed.
If these words are ever uttered in your direction in the false hope of convincing you the truth is being spoken, believe not a word.
Periodontal Disease, Infundibular Decay and foul odour are the only guarantees to come forth from an equine mouth. Be warned.

Murphy’s Law
O’Toole declared Murphy to be an optimist, I agree.

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Updated 17-04-08 at 02:51 by WhiteRabbit



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