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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1516
    Should Get Out More Tomcat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Went to a restaurant last night and ordered the Oasis soup.

    You getta roll with it.

  2. #1517
    Really Bored 1913's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Will my continental quilt stell work when we leave the EU?

  3. #1518
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Well it does say 'your best ones'.

    I suppose it didn't say that they had to actually be funny.

  4. #1519
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Just got back from the funeral of a mate who was unlucky enough to be killed by a tennis ball.
    Still, it was a lovely service.

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  6. #1520
    Retired & Happy Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
    Grumpy leads the pack.
    'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
    Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
    The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
    In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
    Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

    Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
    The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
    'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
    Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

    Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
    The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
    The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
    'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
    'Grumpy shagged a penguin!

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  8. #1521
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
    She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
    To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
    "There's no charge," he says.
    "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
    "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
    "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

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  10. #1522
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Been getting a lot of abuse since I started sporting a Charlie Chaplin haircut and moustache, I never realised he was so unpopular..

  11. #1523
    Should Get Out More ink ink's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Who’s sending Yorick these somewhat long texts?

  12. #1524
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a value supermarket.
    How long has this been going on?
    Since I was a lidl boy!

  13. #1525
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by ink ink View Post
    Who’s sending Yorick these somewhat long texts?
    I think of anyone equally as boring. They're certainly a cure for insomnia.

  14. #1526
    Really Bored
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    My grief counsellor died recently. Thankfully he was so good, I didn't give a fuck.

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  16. #1527
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Dad, what's a transsexual?

    Ask your Mum, he'll tell you!

  17. #1528
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    So last night I was getting smashed in the ringpiece and I suddenly thought.. What an odd name for a pub!

  18. #1529
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Martian doesn't know what a joke is.

  19. #1530
    Should Get Out More Jody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Dave buys a lie detector robot. It has a special feature in that if you lie, it slaps you.
    Over dinner Dave asks his son
    "what have you been up to today?"
    "I was at school Dad" SLAP
    "alright alright, I went to my mates house and we watched DVD"

    "ohh really" says Dave, "what did you watch?"
    "finding Nemo" SLAP

    "alright alright, it was a porno"

    "WHAT' says Dave "when I was your age I didn't even know what a porno was" SLAP

    "ha ha ha" mother chimes in "well he is your son!!" SLAP

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