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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1681
    Should Get Out More
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Wife crashed the car again today.
    She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.
    Police said he can do what he likes in his living room.

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  3. #1682
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    A girl walks into a supermarket and sees the guy she copped off with at the weekend stacking up boxes of washing powder! She says, "You lying bastard, you told me you were a stunt pilot"!
    He replies, "No, I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"!
    Last edited by Taipan; 05-08-19 at 14:13.

  4. #1683
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    How many Sid James impersonators does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Phwooar.

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  6. #1684
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I went to the Doctors with hearing problems. He said can you describe the symptoms? I said Homers a fat yellow bloke and his wife Marge has big blue hair?

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  8. #1685
    Should Get Out More Derek Badger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I've just stolen all your laxatives.

    I shit you not.

  9. #1686
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Want to do my bit so started working for the Samaritans.
    Tried to phone in sick today but the bastards talked me out of it.

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  11. #1687
    Should Get Out More protoborg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Wish me luck. I've got a meeting at the bank, and if all goes well I'll be free of debt. I'm so excited I can hardly get on my ski mask.

  12. #1688
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    An IRA supporter, a Racist and a Russian spy walk into a pub. The Barman says,”What can I get you Mr Corbyn”?


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  13. #1689
    Should Get Out More Jody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by The Martian View Post
    Want to do my bit so started working for the Samaritans.
    Tried to phone in sick today but the bastards talked me out of it.
    I spent over 2 hours on the phone to the Samaritans........... until finally that bitch killed herself.

    Then I hung up and called back because I thought they had a job opening !

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  15. #1690
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Wives of bikers..take note...

    A biker was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
    "Will you spend this on bike parts instead of food?" the man asked.
    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't had a bike in 20 years!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
    The man replied.......

    "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and bikes."

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  17. #1691
    Should Get Out More Editor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    [QUOTE=Yorick;2947348]Wives of bikers..take note...

    [/QUOTE]

    sorry but I've had to steal that for FB. Thank you very much!!

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  19. #1692
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Princess Kate to the Queen; When I suck Williams cock, I get heartburn?

    Queen; Have you tried taking Andrews?

  20. #1693
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    Princess Kate to the Queen; When I suck Williams cock, I get heartburn?

    Queen; Have you tried taking Andrews?
    Heard same punchline 30 years ago.

  21. #1694
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Yorick View Post
    Heard same punchline 30 years ago.
    Don't doubt it, as you're a lot older than most of us!

  22. #1695
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    Don't doubt it, as you're a lot older than most of us!
    'Koff.

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