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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1906
    Should Get Out More ink ink's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ant View Post
    Another fine trigger moment, apples and stairs! It's apples and pairs

    Pairs of what?

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    Should Get Out More 1888's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by ink ink View Post
    Pairs of what?
    Apples?

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  4. #1908
    Should Get Out More Pirahna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    The Chinese have finally got what they've always wanted.

    They've managed to coronise the world.

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  6. #1909
    Should Get Out More Derek Badger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    So with the footy being cancelled and bugger all sport on the telly I though I'd start chatting to the wife. Turns out she's been made redundant from Woolworths.

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  8. #1910
    Should Get Out More Pirahna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19. The virus is in quarantine for 14 days.

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  10. #1911
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    No football is getting to me now, I've been looking out the window cheering on the postman.. superb delivery into the box!

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I've got seashell triple packs for sale for anyone struggling to get toilet paper.

  12. #1913
    Should Get Out More KungFooBob's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by The Martian View Post
    I've got seashell triple packs for sale for anyone struggling to get toilet paper.
    I've heard some people don't even know how to use the three seashells!

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  14. #1914
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Bloody panic buyers! I've run out of toilet paper so have resorted to wiping my butt with lettuce leaves. I fear this is just the tip of the iceberg!

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  16. #1915
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I've got a stockpile of scotched eggs and cocktail sausages. I misheard and went picnic buying.

  17. #1916
    Annoying The Idiots Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Warning
    There is a link going around that says it is to a live gig from Bono of U2 in his front room.

    DO NOT click on the link!

    It will take you to a live gig from Bono in his front room.

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  19. #1917
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    A man has collapsed on the London Eye.
    Paramedics say he’s slowly coming round.

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  21. #1918
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    If the stock market has plummeted recently, how come I just had to pay 12 for Oxo cubes in the corner shop?

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  23. #1919
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Where are the HSE now? ����
    Q1..Please can I use a stepladder.........
    Answer..No
    Q2..Please can I take my hard hat off for 2 minutes while I work in a place where I can’t fit my head in if I keep it on.........
    Answer..No
    Q3..Please can I use a perfectly good drill that has a PAT test out of date by 1 day while I await re-testing........
    Answer..No
    Q4..Please can I run an extension lead across the floor for 5 minutes ...........
    Answer..No
    Q5..Please can I use another trades mobile scaffold which I am trained to build......
    Answer..On many sites No
    Q6..Please can I undo my chin strap in a building with enclosed windows when the temperature is about 90 degrees......
    Answer..On many sites, No
    Q7..Should I go to work on site when there is a global pandemic that is the most contagious thing ever known to man, travel on the tube squeezed in as usual with hundreds of other people, use a finger scanner for access and get in a small lift with 10 other blokes and a lift driver that stays in there all day........
    Answer..Yes
    Ok thanks.....as long as my health, safety and well-being remains your top priority I will crack on ����

  24. #1920
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    Where are the HSE now? ����
    Q1..Please can I use a stepladder.........
    Answer..No
    Q2..Please can I take my hard hat off for 2 minutes while I work in a place where I can’t fit my head in if I keep it on.........
    Answer..No
    Q3..Please can I use a perfectly good drill that has a PAT test out of date by 1 day while I await re-testing........
    Answer..No
    Q4..Please can I run an extension lead across the floor for 5 minutes ...........
    Answer..No
    Q5..Please can I use another trades mobile scaffold which I am trained to build......
    Answer..On many sites No
    Q6..Please can I undo my chin strap in a building with enclosed windows when the temperature is about 90 degrees......
    Answer..On many sites, No
    Q7..Should I go to work on site when there is a global pandemic that is the most contagious thing ever known to man, travel on the tube squeezed in as usual with hundreds of other people, use a finger scanner for access and get in a small lift with 10 other blokes and a lift driver that stays in there all day........
    Answer..Yes
    Ok thanks.....as long as my health, safety and well-being remains your top priority I will crack on ����
    I was actually wondering this myself (seriously, having a background in H&S) have all of these building contractors undertaken risk assessments for the protection of the guys still working?
    It's complete bollocks and the HSE should step in and override the decision for work to continue.

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