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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1951
    Should Get Out More gremlin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I saw a midget climbing down the prison wall on a rope made of sheets the other day. He gave me a really patronising look before running away.

    I thought to myself, 'Well, that's a little con descending'

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  3. #1952
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
    "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

    She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
    "My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

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  5. #1953
    Should Get Out More slowsider's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    If sex with three people is called a threesome, and sex with two people is called a twosome, I know why everyone calls you handsome.

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  7. #1954
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Telling jokes in the pub one night, I did the 'what do you do if you see an epileptic in the bath, chuck your washing in joke, and this guy came over and said"i take offence to this joke. I had an epileptic brother who died in the bath'
    I said "sorry mate, did he drown?"
    He said " no, he choked on a sock"

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  9. #1955
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Those Space X lads ain't back for a while. Plenty of time for everyone to buy a Gorilla outfit and learn to ride a horse!

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  11. #1956
    Should Get Out More KungFooBob's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

    It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.

    Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week

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  13. #1957
    Should Get Out More Tomcat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    Those Space X lads ain't back for a while.
    I think they should be congratulated for successfully leaving the Earth.

    Good choice.

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  15. #1958
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I found out today why Trump has such a rediculous combover.
    It hides the lobotomy scar.

  16. #1959
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Two drunk men walking on their way home when they saw something on the road.
    Man #1- Wow! That's a huge cake.
    Man #2- No that ain't a cake, that's a cow shit!
    Man #1- Are you drunk? That's a cake!
    Man #2- Me drunk? Okay, okay, let's taste it. (Used their finger and tasted it) Damn! I told you, it's a cow's shit!!! (spits it out!)
    Man #1- Yes it is! Shit! Glad we didn't step on it.

  17. #1960
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    That reminds me of an old Cheech and Chong bit.




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  19. #1961
    Should Get Out More Tomcat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Bwana View Post
    That reminds me of an old Cheech and Chong bit.
    Dave's not here man

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