Your Best Text Jokes

[Yorick]

I get belters most days, and takes me ages to send them to all me mates and full me phone up

I thought I'd Share a few with you all

Ann & Ted were out walking. Ann said 'I need a wee and goes behind a bush. Ted hears her knickers come down and feeling a but kinky, puts his hand through the bushes and between her legs.He feels something hanging !

'Ann have you changed your sex ?'

'No, I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit

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Fat bird in a bar says, 'if you can guess my weight, you can shag me'

Bloke say' about 93 stones ya fat bitch'

She says ' that's close enough ya lucky bugger

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Barnsley miner come home off day shift to find his wife unconscious on the kitchen floor, bleeding from her fanny.

He phones the doctor who asks ' has she got the coil in?'

'Tha what' he says. 'She's not even got me tea ready'



Right, let's hear yours

[protoborg]

A new vibrator has gone on sale, its so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm it cums, coughs, farts and goes limp, it hen switches itself off for eight hours.
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The recession in USA is over. There has been a 200% increase in sales of pillow cases and scissors.
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Apple computers announced the development of a new chip that can be implanted into a womans breast and play music. The i-tit will cost £399 and is a major breakthrough as women are forever moaning that men are always staring at their tits and never listening to them.

[Captain Scarlet]

Yorick....I had a look at me phone and I can't post any of them on here. I have a mate called Muzzy williams from liverpool..He was at mine last wek watchig the footie...
He sends me seriously offensive texts and the last time i posted one i was advised against it....

mustapha williams what kind o fuckin name is that.....

[Guest]

Yorick....I had a look at me phone and I can't post any of them on here. I have a mate called Muzzy williams from liverpool..He was at mine last wek watchig the footie...
He sends me seriously offensive texts and the last time i posted one i was advised against it....

mustapha williams what kind o fuckin name is that.....

Mate, how did you do that then, pay him?

[Captain Scarlet]

Mate, how did you do that then, pay him?

better having one mate rather than go pighead with 60,000 of my closest relatives......

BTW, I am only on here at this time cos her n the weans are away to 10 o'clock mass!!!!...

[TheEnglishman]

Two Australians meet on a road. One of them has a sheep under each arm. Shane says 'Hey Bruce - you shearing?' 'Nah' says Bruce 'I'm gonna f**k 'em both myself'

[Guest]

better having one mate rather than go pighead with 60,000 of my closest relatives......

BTW, I am only on here at this time cos her n the weans are away to 10 o'clock mass!!!!...

Ha ha, is your wife a tic? your house must be a joy at weekends.

comon Kilmarnock

[protoborg]

for the girls

What does a clitoris, a birthday, an anniversary and a toilet have in common....
..... Most men miss the lot.

[Captain Scarlet]

Ha ha, is your wife a tic? your house must be a joy at weekends.

comon Kilmarnock

Yes.....So are my youngest two boys, and best of all my brother in law used to be a priest......

And I live in Killie.....

[Captain Scarlet]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'

[Captain Scarlet]

Just In

I asked santa for a jacket..I got three.

I asked for a pound he gave me ten.

I asked for a muppet.......

He gave me this number...

[Fallen Angel]

Sent by the lovely ABF last week:

My missus asked me to make love to her like they do in the movies. So I stuck it up her arse and came on her face while shouting "TAKT THAT, BITCH!".

From the look on her face I'd hazard a guess that we don't watch the same films.

[jazzy]

Obama at The Pearly Gates

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, 'So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?' .

The fellow says, 'I'm Barrack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States '

St. Peter says, 'The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?' .

And Obama says, 'About twenty minutes ago.'

[Trunch]

History certainly has been made in the USA, Obama the first black man with a job in the Whitehouse that didn't invole a mop!!



Don't blame me it was a genuine text!!!!

[Discharge]

Two fleas on a fanny. One's a burglar, the other, a junkie. How do you tell them apart?

The burglar's hiding in the bush and the junkie's sniffing the crack.