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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1756
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Free bungee jump for all MPs at Tower Bridge on Sunday - genuine offer with no strings attached!!

  2. #1757
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


  3. #1758
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes




    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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  5. #1759
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    My kids just asked if we can have dog for Christmas. I said, what am I, fucking Korean, have a fucking Turkey like everyone else!

  6. #1760
    Annoying The Idiots Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    My kids just asked if we can have dog for Christmas. I said, what am I, fucking Korean, have a fucking Turkey like everyone else!
    As they say in Korea, a dog isn't just for Xmas. There should be some left for Boxing Day

  7. #1761
    Should Get Out More Derek Badger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    The clitoris has 8000 nerve endings.
    It's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media.

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  9. #1762
    Should Get Out More KungFooBob's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
    As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
    Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
    He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
    Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
    He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.
    He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat
    anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"

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  11. #1763
    Annoying The Idiots Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by KungFooBob View Post
    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
    As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
    Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
    He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
    Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
    He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.
    He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat
    anything.

    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

    The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"
    1980 wants its joke back

  12. #1764
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    The man in court today for killing someone with sandpaper has pleaded not guilty to murder
    "I just wanted to rough him up a bit"

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  14. #1765
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


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  16. #1766
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


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  18. #1767
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post


    Brilliant!

  19. #1768
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    That's on par with "there's a cap on top of the engine that says 710 - what's it for?"

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  21. #1769
    Should Get Out More Derek Badger's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Prince Andrew's interview was the second worst car crash the Royal Family have organised so far.

  22. #1770
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Englishman: "That your dog?"
    Welshman: "Aye."
    Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
    Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
    Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
    Dog: "Doing all right."
    Welshman: (look of shock)
    Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
    Dog: "Yep."
    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
    Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
    Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
    Horse: "Cool."
    Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
    Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
    Horse: "Yep."
    Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
    Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
    Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    Welshman: "That sheep's a f**king liar."

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