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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1696
    Should Get Out More gremlin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Now that I've turned 50, me and the missus have taken up Tantric sex. I'm practicing a position called 'The Plumber'.

    You're in all day but nobody comes.


    Ithangyoooooo!

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  3. #1697
    Should Get Out More Pirahna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup.

    I told her I'm pretty good but don't think I'm ready to compete in a tournament.

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  5. #1698
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up ...

    Many years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss England 1997 competition. Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck. She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, she suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Chicken Take Away. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts.

    But she never stopped believing.

    And then finally, last month, she was crowned Miss Scotland 2019

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  7. #1699
    Should Get Out More ink ink's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Long text, dude.

  8. #1700
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


  9. #1701
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    Parted his hair on the girls’ side. Hmm.

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  11. #1702
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "
    "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
    "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
    "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
    "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
    "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
    "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
    "I switched cocks," he replied.
    She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

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  13. #1703
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


  14. #1704
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


  15. #1705
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    From Cary Grant to Gary Can't.

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  17. #1706
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


  18. #1707
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    My mate says he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

    I reckon he's torquing out of his arse.

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  20. #1708
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Went to see that new punk band "rectal haemorrhage" last night.

    Don't believe the hype, they were bloody shite!

  21. #1709
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Had my first UFO experience this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus, "Morning Ugly." Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

    ........


    My wife has been mad at me for 3 weeks now because I didn’t open the car door and help her mother out.


    I told her I’m sorry but I just panicked and swam for the surface!

    .......


    You can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

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  23. #1710
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes


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