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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1411
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    What do you get when you cross human DNA with a goat?

    Kicked out of the petting zoo.

  2. #1412
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    This one won't make a lot of sense unless you've shopped in the USofA, but fuck it...

    I hear there are no Walmarts in Syria, just Targets.

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  4. #1413
    Should Get Out More go_slow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Bwana View Post
    This one won't make a lot of sense unless you've shopped in the USofA, but fuck it...

    I hear there are no Walmarts in Syria, just Targets.
    I keep telling this joke over here but to no avail.

    What do old ladies taste of? Depends.

  5. #1414
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Rioting in Manchester has set buildings ablaze in the gay district of Canal Street.
    Police and Firemen are already at the scene,... along with a cowboy, a construction worker and a red indian.

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op..


    I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
    "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."
    "That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start."



    I walked into the local cafe and said, "Can you do me a breakfast my way?"
    The bloke behind the counter said, "Certainly, what's your way?"
    I said, "Well, first of all I want a fried egg. It should be fried so hard that you can take it off of the plate and bounce it. The beans, they've got to be cold inside, hot outside. I want the fried bread absolutely dripping in grease. I want tomato skins - no tomatoes, just the skins. The bacon has got to be so well done that when you put the fork in it, it springs all over the room. You got that?"
    He says, "I haven't got time for all that."
    I said, "You found time yesterdaymatey!!.


    I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinkingback, I really should have ran, but youdon't get offers like that every day...



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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I was out on a first date with a girl and I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?" I said "a big knife." She laughed and said "you're funny." I said "wise choice."

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  9. #1417
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Rioting in Manchester has set buildings ablaze in the gay district of Canal Street.
    Police and Firemen are already at the scene,... along with a cowboy, a construction worker and a red indian.

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

    You could be entitled to compensation with a personal Ian Dury claim.

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    I'm now playing the triangle in a reggae band.
    It's easy, I just stand at the back and ting.

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Abdul went to burger king, and asked for 2 whoppers... service attendant said to him "ok, muhammed wasnt a bloodthirsty paedophile, and islam is a religion of peace"

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    London estate agents insist market is ‘booming’ after woman pays 1bn for house on Downing Street

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Never try to do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant.

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for 1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for 1.60 and an apple pie for 2.15.

    In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you 2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is 1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for 1.95.

    In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at 2.50, but you can two for 3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is 2.25, or two for 3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for 2, or two for 3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for 2.75, or two (any combination) for 4.75.

    Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I've added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever.

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  22. #1425
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    JK Rowling talking about the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter. I don't think anyone has milked a small wizard this much since Debbie Magee.

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