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Thread: Your Best Text Jokes

  1. #1741
    Should Get Out More ink ink's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by The Martian View Post
    I've just joined the local fisting club.
    It's not really my thing but I'm trying to widen my circle of friends..
    It’s “widening the circle of my friends!”

  2. #1742
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soy seems to be the hardest word.

  3. #1743
    Should Get Out More go_slow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Just spent 200 on a pair of binoculars. They must have seen me coming...

  4. #1744
    Should Get Out More KungFooBob's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by go_slow View Post
    Just spent 200 on a pair of binoculars. They must have seen me coming...
    The Pope wanking version is better.

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    Should Get Out More Pirahna's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by KungFooBob View Post
    The Pope wanking version is better.

    What's that one?

  6. #1746
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Pirahna View Post
    What's that one?
    Bit long for a text joke tho'

    The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

    Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

    "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!".

    "This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for the rest of my life with these photos!"

    So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

    The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

    Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

    Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?"

    Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.."

    "TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "Wow! They must have seen you coming!"

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  8. #1747
    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Husband, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on".

    Wife, "Ooh am i coming"?

    Husband, "No i'm turning the heating off"!

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  10. #1748
    Annoying The Idiots Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    Husband, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on".

    Wife, "Ooh am i coming"?

    Husband, "No i'm turning the heating off"!
    Husband "I've won the lottery. Pack your bags"

    Wife "Oh good, where are we going?"

    Husband "Nowhere, just pack your bags"


  11. #1749
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Taipan View Post
    Husband, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on".

    Wife, "Ooh am i coming"?

    Husband, "No i'm turning the heating off"!
    Pretty standard up until the early 80's

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    Should Get Out More Taipan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by The Martian View Post
    Pretty standard up until the early 80's
    I still live there!

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  14. #1751
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Just had two trick or treaters knock on the door - waaay too old to be doing it and insistent bastards who didn't want to go despite me giving them a mars bar each to get them to piss off.
    Their Bailiff costumes were pretty good though to be fair.

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  16. #1752
    Annoying The Idiots Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

    After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

    The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Dianne Abbot

    That evening, the man brought Dianne to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze . perfect for a night of romance.

    Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as hecould but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Dianne and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

    Dianne batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

    He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.

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  18. #1753
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a scruffy bloke on a unicycle?


    Attire.

  19. #1754
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by The Martian View Post
    What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a scruffy bloke on a unicycle?


    Attire.
    Rubbish

  20. #1755
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    Default Re: Your Best Text Jokes

    The giraffe I bought in the summer to save money trimming the tall hedges is costing a fucking fortune in scarves since the weather has turned..

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