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Thread: Your Jokes

  1. #481
    Should Get Out More mrlongbeard's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a major car accident. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got 9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's 1000 an inch.'

    'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

    The man agrees to talk with his wife.

    The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

    'I have,' says the man.

    'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

    'Yes, she has,' says the man.

    'And what is it?' asks the doctor.




    'We're getting granite worktops.'

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  3. #482
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
    "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
    Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
    what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
    He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
    It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
    wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
    He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

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  5. #483
    Should Get Out More 1888's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    An airplane is about to crash and a female passenger jumps up and shouts, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and shouts, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, Takes his shirt off and says, "Here, iron this love".

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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    I went to the doctors today about my hearing problem
    he asked me to describe the symptoms
    so I told him homers a fat guy and marge has blue hair

  7. #485
    Should Get Out More mrlongbeard's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
    the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
    As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
    Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
    The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
    After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation, for giving his blood, a new BMW,

    5 carats of diamonds, and 50,000.
    A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
    The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
    After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates.
    The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
    He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
    To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins the noo".

  8. #486
    Not Much To Do Daytona Paul's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
    into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
    time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
    that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
    won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
    like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
    have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
    everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
    which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
    change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he
    could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
    traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
    Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
    woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if
    she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
    highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
    No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan..."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie:
    "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking' widow."

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  10. #487
    Should Get Out More Jody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    I've been looking into the pro's and con's of living in Switzerland

    I must admit, the national flag is a big plus

    eyethangu

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  12. #488
    Should Get Out More slowsider's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
    standing in the queue at the checkout. A woman behind me asked if
    I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The
    Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
    the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in
    an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
    IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that
    it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
    one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
    complete, so I was going to try it again.
    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by
    now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
    condition because I had been poisoned.
    I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking
    my balls and a car hit me.

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  14. #489
    Should Get Out More TheEnglishman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Sitting on the flight home the two young things next to me were talking about their boyfriends.

    One was complaining her man had dandruff. The other said to give him head and shoulders.

    I may be showing my naivety, but how do you give shoulders?

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  16. #490
    Should Get Out More Jody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

    It costs less than €20 to see a lentil in Amsterdam

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  18. #491
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    I have a dog with no legs.

    I call him cigarette, because every night I take him out for a drag.

  19. #492
    Should Get Out More Jody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Needed a new password for TRC so I tried "beef stew"

    Bu apparently that isn't stroganoff

  20. #493
    Should Get Out More Jody's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by rudolph View Post
    I have a dog with no legs.

    I call him cigarette, because every night I take him out for a drag.
    That is literally one of the first jokes I ever heard, I must of been about 5, I'm 41 now!

  21. #494
    Should Get Out More Yorick's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Jody View Post
    That is literally one of the first jokes I ever heard, I must of been about 5, I'm 41 now!
    I heard it as Woodbine.

  22. #495
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    I remember seeing a guitarist with Cliff Richards and to be honest he looked as though he needed a good dinner inside him.

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