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Thread: Your Jokes

  1. #496
    Should Get Out More The Martian's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ant View Post
    I remember seeing a guitarist with Cliff Richards and to be honest he looked as though he needed a good dinner inside him.
    Bruce Welch?

  2. #497
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    What bees do you get honey from? Honey bees!

    What bees do you get milk from? Boobies!

  3. #498
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Jody View Post
    That is literally one of the first jokes I ever heard, I must of been about 5, I'm 41 now!
    You're only 41? Shit I had you down as nearer to 60. Tough paper round.....

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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Great!

  5. #500
    Should Get Out More protoborg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
    The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the
    wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
    "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
    I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in
    their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."
    "They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite
    Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the
    escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
    point: "No Jews please."
    Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
    "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
    possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my
    best and most prized officers."
    "One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
    additional Masters degree."
    "The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of
    Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering".
    "The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
    systems and information technology from SMU".
    "Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's
    doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his
    medical degree is from the University of North Carolina".
    Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked
    forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four
    handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social
    circle would be insanely jealous).
    At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the
    door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome,
    smiling Black officers.
    Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There
    must be some mistake."
    "No, Madam," said the first officer.
    "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes!"

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  7. #501
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Crikey, I could have driven to lands end and back again in less time than it would take to read that and without getting as bored.

  8. #502
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ant View Post
    Crikey, I could have driven to lands end and back again in less time than it would take to read that and without getting as bored.
    It probably means something to people who hold opinions about other people's complexions.

  9. #503
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by ink ink View Post
    It probably means something to people who hold opinions about other people's complexions.
    A thought it wet kwite funi......

  10. #504
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    I think you need a new car

  11. #505
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by GreenMachine View Post
    I think you need a new car
    I don't get that one.

  12. #506
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ant View Post
    I don't get that one.
    You need a new black Jewish car.

  13. #507
    Should Get Out More Ant's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by ink ink View Post
    You need a new black Jewish car.
    Does it have no foreskin?

  14. #508
    Should Get Out More protoborg's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ant View Post
    Does it have no foreskin?
    No, it won't take porkers

  15. #509
    Should Get Out More TheEnglishman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    With all this Brexit stuff going on, the head of the civil service is about to sent an email to all staff banning them from looking out the window during the morning.

    This is apparently so everyone has something to do in the afternoon.

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  17. #510
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    Default Re: Your Jokes

    A worker was killed at the Nestle factory today. A pallet of chocolate fell 50feet and crushed him underneath. He probably would have survived if only help had arrived in time. He had tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" - everyone cheered.

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